What If Negotiation Isn’t What You Think It Is?
You can ask for more:
Most of us have absorbed specific ideas about negotiation—some spoken, some unspoken. And often, these beliefs hold us back:
"Good girls don’t ask for more."
"If I negotiate, I’ll be seen as unhelpful or unwilling."
"If I stand up for myself, I lose their approval."
"Negotiation in family matters means I am rude and pushy."
The result? You hesitate. You accept what’s offered. You assume asking for more will damage your relationships or reputation. And over time, that hesitation adds up—lost earnings, missed opportunities, an erosion of self-trust.
The Cost of Not Asking
When you avoid negotiation, you’re not just missing out on better salaries or fairer contracts. The cost is more significant than that:
At Work: Staying silent means watching others get the promotions, raises, or opportunities we assumed would come if we “just worked hard.” It can also mean taking on more responsibility without the title or salary to match—becoming the dependable team player who’s always "so easy to work with" (translation: easy to take advantage of).
At Home: It’s the never-ending visits from in-laws who casually invite themselves for "for the weekend" (days later, they’re still there, asking what’s for dinner). Or the unspoken expectation that you are the default planner, organizer, and support system for everyone—because you never formally discussed sharing that load.
Emotional Toll: The unspoken frustration of feeling undervalued, the resentment of carrying an invisible burden,— these are costs of not negotiating. And they add up.
Other Hidden Costs of Avoiding Negotiation
Settling for less than you deserve → leads to long-term dissatisfaction.
Not being respected in personal space → feeling unheard or undervalued.
Relying on others (e.g., husband) to negotiate → disempowerment and frustration.
Fear of being disliked or judged → self-silencing.
Emotional cost → feeling drained, lacking confidence, relying on others’ decisions.
What If Negotiation Is Just a Conversation?
We often think of negotiation as conflict—something to brace for, like a battle. But what if it’s really just a conversation? One where two (or more) people explore what works for both sides?
Updating how you think about negotiation can make all the difference.
OLD: "If I ask for more, I’ll be disliked." NEW: "People respond differently in different situations—I’ll stay curious."
OLD: "Negotiation is about conflict." NEW: "Negotiation is about finding a solution that benefits both sides."
When you shift your mindset, negotiation stops feeling like a risky demand and starts feeling like a necessary dialogue. Like any skill, the more you use it, the stronger it becomes.
Negotiation Is a Muscle—And Preparation Strengthens It
If negotiation has felt uncomfortable or out of reach, you are not alone! The good news is - you don’t have to start with high-stakes conversations. Small, daily negotiations—like choosing a restaurant with a friend or discussing household tasks—are great practice. Preparation is key. Knowing what you want, understanding your non negotiables, and considering the other person’s perspective, all make the conversation smoother.
We all accept the gym metaphor for lifting weights—no one expects you to bench press heavy on your first training day. The same goes for running a marathon—no one expects you to run 26 miles on day one. But when it comes to negotiation, we rarely give ourselves the same grace. We implicitly expect ourselves to be great at it immediately, without practice, without stumbling. The truth is, like any skill, negotiation strengthens with repetition. The more you engage in it, the easier it gets. So start small: With small shifts, negotiation can become a tool for clarity, collaboration, and confidence—one that serves you in every chapter of your life.
Negotiation isn’t just a skill—it’s a form of self-respect. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes, and the more you claim what’s rightfully yours.
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